The Codex of Zuka

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Zuka doesn't fly backwards, the world turns for him"
"Zuka can say "Nyan" in a manly way and still make otaku hearts skip a beat"
"Zuka's only weakness is the smiles of children that melt his heart. After they've learned how to Zuka their enemies. The moral is, never trust a smiling child after they've been Zukdoctrinated"
"Zuka's smile has it's own twinkle. Enemies run in fear of it, allies use it guide their ships at night"

[HamsterIV]

A statue of Zuka sits in the middle of the largest public park in Anvala.
Birds refuse to defecate on Zuka's statue out of respect.
Cthulhu and Zuka once went on a bender, Cthulhu is still trying to sleep it off.
Some men just want to watch the world burn. Zuka wants to see the world covered in Zuka Sauce.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Zuka has a pet monkey named Vakari. It likes to sit quietly on his shoulder, then leaps on non Zuka'd people screaming and clawing faces off"
"Zuka taught it to say the only two words it needs to know "Wrex" and "Shepard""
"Vakari doesn't wear a diaper, Zuka has peasants follow him around for Vakari to throw poo at"
"Zuka once shot down a Spire with Vakari's poo flinging. The Spire was named "Peasant Rebellion"

[HamsterIV]

Zuka masks have replaced Guy Fawkes masks as a symbol of youth rebellion.
The Zuka mask is illegal in China, Iran, and North Korea due to its subversive nature.
If you spend enough time staring at a Zuka mask you will begin to hallucinate the voice of Zuka coming out of it.
The voice of Zuka will tell you to do things, dirty, dirty things.
In the Spartacus film the Romans crucified slaves that stood up and said "I'm Spartacus!" The produccers left out the Orgy scene that was held for the slaves that stood up and said "I'm Zuka'Esrai!"
Zuka's response to the slogan "Make love not war" is "why don't we have both?"

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Zukatose is a coma like state induced by Zukasauce overload."
"Patients coming out of a Zukatose state are often violent in their desire to return to such state. In some cases they gain the strength of a dozen men and have to be subdued by Zuka's pet monkey Vakari."
"Patients recovering with Zukdrawls after Zukatose state speak of a fantasy world where rivers are made of Zukasauce and any living creature that drinks from it, turns into a supermodel"
"When questioned about Zukatose conditions Zuka is quoted as saying,"Who keeps letting peasants into my garden?!!""

[HamsterIV]

* An advertizing firm came up with the slogan "There is a little Zuka in all of us." They pulled it after 8 days when they realized Zuka took it too literally.
* There was a little Zuka in all of them after the first day, it took 7 more days before anyone could form a coherent sentence.
* It is impossible to play "Hide and Seek" with Zuka, he knows where you are and what you are doing at all times.
* Dirty Peasants play the game "Zuka Says" because it feels so nattural for them to obey Zuka. Who is this Simon guy anyway?
* Zuka was the first man to break the sound barrier and survive, unfortunately any one who witnessed the event was not so lucky.
* During the cold war Russia tried to synthesize weapons grade Zuka Sauce. Their failed experiments gave rise to the soviet space program.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Aliens once tried to abduct Zuka. Their plans for invasion were foiled by the Zukaprobe"
"Zuka is currently the father of a dozen civilizations throughout the galaxy thanks to the Zukaprobe"
"The Zukaprobe has been categorized as a Death Star grade weapon among alien governments who have attempted to cover up all knowledge of Zuka's existence"
"Truths about the Zukaprobe have led to a mass exodus of the female population from Tau VII solar system. The solar system was later renamed Zukaland"

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Zuka can fire all 5 guns on a Mobula at once, he also can repair the balloon and the hull at the same time"
"Zukamines have a magnetic attraction to enemy female captains who in turn find Zukamines sexy"
"For male captains Zukamines just shout insults till the man rages into one and kills himself"
"Zukapolo was banned as an Olympic sport after female athletes complained of unexplained pregnancies"

[HamsterIV]

* Since the new mass thrust system was implemented any ship with Zuka on it accelerates a little slower due to the immense weight of Zuka's balls.
* There is a secret pilot tool called "Zuka Sauce" which will increase engine performance without damaging the engines.
* The smoke resulting from putting Zuka Sauce in your engines renders everything it touches delicious.
* Covering an enemy ship in Zuka Sauce Smoke is considered a war crime as it has caused crew memberss to cannibalize themselves.
* When Zuka rams with the Mobula he uses the eagle heads to pull the engines off the victim ship.
* 90% of all Zuka rams are stern rams.
* Zuka does pelvic thrusts during ramming actions because it increases the damage and decreases enemy morale.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Zukabagging is when Zuka teabags an enemy warship with his girth. During the process Vakari jumps down onto the ship and Vakaribags every crew member"
"Zukapedoes have a 100% chance of finding the exhaust port no matter how small it is"
"Zuka is currently wanted in Chaladon lands on 4 counts. 2 for indecent exposure, 1 for public drunkeness, and 1 for impersonating a female officer...whom Zuka had a fling with after earlier indecent exposure and put on her clothes instead of his the next day. Zuka would have gotten away free but he refused to give back her underwear saying,"DON'T BOTHER ME WHILE I'M MAKING ZUKASAUCE!!""

[HamsterIV]

* When the authorities pull Zuka over they count themselves lucky if Zuka lets them off with a warning.
* When Zuka goes crowd surfing he does so standing up.
* Zuka once defeated a galleon in single combat with nothing but a hand thrown harpoon, and a giant peach held aloft by seagulls.
* Zuka doesn't need xray glasses as is piercing gaze is enough to cause anyone he wants to disrobe.
* If allowed to spin freely Zuka will eventually point towards magnetic north.
* Every day magnetic north moves three inches closer to Zuka.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Patients on suicide watch have a 100% recovery after watching the film, Its a Wonderful Zuka"
"Zuka was originally cast for the role of the Predator in Predator. On the first day of filming he was fired after actors complained of Zuka covering them in Zukasauce and giggiling sinisterly. He was quoted as saying: "What? They're going to be skinned and made food anyways! Might as well make them taste good!!""
"Hull covered with sky barnacles? Spread a little Zukasauce on the hull of the ship near you and watch how fast they spread to that hull instead!! And better yet, it can't be traced back to you later!!"
"The face on the Japanese Creepy Woody doll was designed after Zuka had too much Sake last time he visited Tokyo"
"Zuka was later inspired to make his own Creepy Zuka Doll...it is banned in 70 countries as of this day"

[HamsterIV]

* The first thing Zuka did when he got his hands on a mine launcher was lay a mine field in the shape of a giant phallus.
* The Order of Chaladon have named these floating works of art Zuka fields.
* Accidentally running into a Zuka field will do conventional damage but will also cover all crew and equipment in Zukasauce.
* Zuka Sauce stains can never be washed out of fabric and must be exorcized by a ritual involving a Creepy Zuka Doll, 30' of hemp rope, and two female goats.
* When Zuka Sauce dries it forms a polymer so strong that a half inch layer of the stuff on the hull can absorb the damage of a point blank shot from a mercury field gun.

[Gryphos]

* Zuka once killed two stones with one bird.

[HamsterIV]

* Zuka once stern rammed a Buss full of Cheerleaders, 9 months later the buss gave birth to Optimus prime.
* Zuka can survive in the hard vacuum of space for 3 hours.
* Zuka is the only man to have executed atmospheric reentry using a cast iron skillet, an oven mitt, and 3 ounces of Zuka sauce.
* If you make a wish on a falling Zuka it will come true, so long as you wish to knocked on your back and covered in Zuka sauce.