(Disclaimer, some rules are meant as sarcasm.)
(Disclaimer, We are not responsible for your failure.)
(Disclaimer, I will totally take credit for your success though.)
Da Rules of Guns of Icarus:
1. Blame Shink.
2. David Hark is always right.
3. Flak-fish don’t work.
3.1. Unless you’ve got a team.
4. If you think David Hark is wrong, see rule 2.
5. You don’t ram galleons, galleons ram you.
6. Lochnagar all the things!
6.1. Lochnagar’s secret ingredient is Crayola Crayons.
7. Stay in the trenches, don’t go over the top!
8. Don’t Die.
9. Don’t steal my kills!
10. Never steal a man’s Lochnagar kill!
11. Don’t board the enemy ship.
12. Remember what happened to Georgia.
13. Load your gun!
14. Keep an eye on your allies.
15. Fargo is always bored.
16. Don’t question Fargo.
17. Don’t question the high level guys.
18. Don’t make horrible puns unless it’s about Jon Snow.
19. (commanders only) Screw the rules, I’m in command!
20. There are far too many rules.
21. Lehran is the rocketeer.
22. When a captain isn’t listening, crew are permitted to spam the non-verbal commands.
23. Two phoenix claws are better than one.
24. The floor IS lava, even when it’s water.
25. Kill them before they kill us!
26. When in doubt, keep shooting.
27. Don’t get off your gun to fix things, just keep shooting.
28. Oh my god! Keep shooting!
29. Vote for Fjords.
30. HULL! HULL! HULL!!!
31. Not Knowing the rules permits all players (who know them) to spam them to you during gameplay.
32. Don’t jump off the ship.
33. You must adhere to all rules at all times, no exceptions.
34. There is no rule 34.
34.1. If it exists, there’s a steampunk version of it.
35. [Redacted]
36. You can’t spot them with chem spray.
37. Watch for the magic smoke to appear.
38. Bright clouds always need more flares.
39. When in doubt, back up!
40. BALLOON! BALLOON! BALLOON!!!
41. All rules can be ignored if the captain allows it, or by unanimous lobby vote.
42. There’s still no spoon.
42.1. I don’t care if you’re offended Sgt. Spoon.
43. There is a knife of lies.
44. The clouds will always block your spot, no matter how little they actually obscure the target.
45. All rules can be ignored for the sake of an achievement.
46. Join the damn party!
47. No Poofters!
48. The lobbies die quickly.
48.1. The lobbies live longer than expected.
49. Ramming is always an option.
49.1. This does not mean it is always a good option.
49.2. Why yes Horatio, I will ram.
50. You must face this challenge alone…
50.1. Never count on an ally you don’t know backing you up when you need them to.
50.2. Never count on the new guy to follow your lead.
50.3. Never go sniper spire when your ally is clearly going to abandon you in combat.
51. Know your key bindings!
52. You aren’t allowed to question the legitimacy of the rules.
53. FOOL!
53.1. Harpoons on a squid went out of fashion many patches ago.
53.2. Ramming with a squid is a poor choice for life.
53.3. Choosing to fly a squid against three meta-pyramidiions in Desert scrap is your own undoing.
53.3.1. Putting a harpoon on it was the worst thing you could have done.
53.3.2. Shame on you.
54. FARGO, MY ENGINES!
55. DO NOT FIRE AN OFFENSIVE FLARE, FARGO!
56. WHY WOULD YOU IGNORE MY ENGINES TO GET ON THE HULL, FARGO?!?!?!?
57. FARGO, WHY AREN’T YOU ON THE HULL?!?!?!?
58. THAT HULL SHOULD NEVER BE ON FIRE, FARGO.
59. You must have at least 3 levels of piloting under your belt before you are ready to fly a galleon.
60. If you have a galleon with 4 manticores, don’t contact Twinkie, Twinkie will contact you.
61. Don’t invite a person to your game and then ask them to change classes.
62. If you swear or behave in a fashion that attracts the attention of the CA’s, you must put an achievement in the swear jar.
62.1. The contents of the swear jar got to the captain at the end of the round.
63. The Bad Idea Subsection:
63.1. Point blank with a Typhon Heavy Flak Cannon is a bad idea (Unless in compliance with rule #6)
63.1.1. Point blank with an Echidna Light Flak Cannon is a bad idea.
63.2. Point blank with a Lumberjack Heavy Mortar is a bad idea. (Unless in compliance with rule #6)
63.3. Long range Hellhound Heavy Twin Carronade is a bad idea.
63.3.1. Long range with a Barking Dog Light Carronade is a bad idea.
63.4. Double-anything on the front of a pyramidion is a bad idea.
63.4.1. With the possible exception of the Hades Light Cannon.
63.4.2. With the possible exception of the Whirlwind Light Gatling Gun if in compliance with rule #49.
63.4.3. Possibly not a bad idea if you have a good teammate.
63.5. It is a bad idea to cite rule 63 subsections whilst in the midst of combat.
63.6. It is a bad idea to believe that rule 63 is all you need to know from Da Rules of Guns of Icarus, they are all equally important.
63.7.1.a. It was a bad idea to put David Hark in charge of Rulemaking.
63.7.1.a-1. It was equally bad to allow him to continue making rules.
64. Dr. Trager is a drunk.
64.1. He is not to be trusted.
64.2. Do not let him see your hands. Not even for a second.
64.3. Do not stick your tongue out for him.
64.4. He is not really a doctor, no matter what he says or believes.
65. Drugs are bad.
66. Spamming chat only gets you banned.
66.1. Do not take the threat of being reported lightly, someone will be annoyed to see your name in their inbox.
67. Advertising is not spamming.
68. Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
69. Reserved for the rule 69 subsection
69.1. PULL OUT!
69.2. Your mom rammed harder.
70. If someone suggests an out-of-the-ordinary gamemode, and the rest of the lobby is in agreement, it is your duty to either abandon that lobby or comply with their demands.
71. It is important to listen to anyone who has written a rule in Da Rules of Guns of Icarus.
71.1. They are the wisest among you.
71.2. We reserve the right to modify rules, omit rules, append rules, expand rules, make up rules, and enforce rules.
71.2.1. We reserve the right to do any of the prior without warning and on the spot.
71.3. We reserve the right to enforce our own rules, through all means necessary short of kicking a player from a lobby.
72. When unsure which rule to apply, always refer to rule #1.
73. When in doubt, summon RethBurn.
73.1. When RethBurn is in doubt, panic.
74. Don’t Panic.
75. Always carry a towel.
76. Remember to slur your euphemisms for the report-happy people.
77. If you have more than two level 7 players playing together, the enemy will always accuse you of stacking.
77.1. Even with the new team scramble system.
77.2. Disregard flamers, acquire stacks.
78. Article 77, subsection 2 applies to any ship with a flamer or flare gun.
79. Just burn it.
80. Always double check your customization before a match!
81. Don’t worry, Captain Magellan has an ointment for that.
82. Fix your damn internet connection.
82.1. That means you Uiribus.
83. Rules 84-89 are hereby banned by the Geneva Convention (don’t ask how, we’re still trying to figure that out), and are therefore redacted from the ruleset.
90. Any request to change a loadout pointed at a member of the Cake clan will be happily heard and even more happily ignored.
90.1. This is negated if the request is for more fire.
91. Da Rules of Guns of Icarus is not to be used to settle clan disputes.
91.1. Da Rules of Guns of Icarus is to be used as a source of information, meant to guild new players to success and to correct older players who are incompetent.
91.2. Da Rules of Guns of Icarus is not to be used to blackmail players into joining your clan.
91.3. Da Rules of Guns of Icarus can be used to call out players directly by name for their follies, and can be used as a helpful introduction to a clan’s preferences, but make no mistake, this is not a place for arguing.
91.6. If you absolutely must argue, make a subsection rule that way they are at least related and I won’t have to go through and reorganize Da Rules of Guns of Icarus again.
91.5. All previous pseudo-rules in violation of this rule have been redacted, as they were confusing.
91.6.1.a-1. Da Rules of Guns of Icarus should not be confusing.
92. When fighting against close range fire ships, bring chem spray and sniper loadouts.
92.1. Does not apply to mine-based ships.
92.1.1. Possibly not smart if you can’t navigate a mine field.
92.2. The Cake clan will only try harder if you apply this rule.
92.3. It is important to enjoy your birthday.
93. Rule 93 does not apply to anybody except Zuka, though he has the ability to bypass it.
94. Abandoning a match because you screwed up is a perfectly acceptable reason for other players to look down upon you.
94.1. With the possible exception of leaving a match so that you can change your loadout/class and rejoin.
94.2. With the possible exception of Game Crashes.
94.3. With the possible exception of Steam Crashes.
94.4. With the possible exception of the servers crashing.
95. Get back in formation Leeroy Jenkins!
95.1. Oh God did he just go in?
95.2. Stick to the plan guys!
96. There is no boarding.
97. There will never be boarding.
98. Your idea for boarding will not change the fact that there is no boarding.
99. Continuing to pursue these delusions will result in your untimely disappearance.
100. Always approach the CA’s directly with a question about boarding if you wish to disappear!
101. The only thing better than one mine is 200 mines.
101.1. The only thing better than 200 mines is 200 Lochnagar mines.
101.1.1. The only thing better than 200 Lochnagar mines is using 200 lochnagar mines to win the Cogs.
102. Blame Gaben.
102.1. Unless it’s Shink’s fault.
103. Gaben loves you.
104. Gabe eats for your sins, so you can stay slim and pure.
105. Jawjee is officially invited to this kind of topic.
106. When Qwerty is happy, remind him of the Oval ship.
107. Never let the Gents get in a cloud, they will stay there and camp.
108. Coldcurse can only be blamed publicly by members of TFD.
108.1. Do not blame Coldcurse for his harsh words.
108.1.1. Always blame Jawjee for that, or Shink.
109. If you have the chance to ram a galleon with your pyramidion, ALWAYS go full speed reverse into a rock, because that’s what cool people do.
109.1. Make sure that “cool” doesn’t mean retarded.
109.2. Always imply that your enemy is cool.
110. If you might be camping in a cloud, don’t forget the large chest of assorted tea.
111. Show respect for a clan’s “thing”.
112. Long live the pit!
112.1. The pit does not create horrible things, it incubates them.
112.2. Do not kill the pit before it has laid it’s eggs.
112.2.1. The pit lays its eggs every October and incubates them until March. Provide ample pitage during this time.
112.2.2. When the offspring reaches 6 months of age, they are fully mature and will spread to other threads, derailing them and then returning in the seventh month to lay more eggs.
112.2.3. In the event of a fire save these eggs. But leave RethBurn and Piemanlives behind.
113. Welcome to the Pit!
113.1. Why the [redacted] are we creating rules in the pit?
114. Always consult the patch notes!
115. Don’t join because they offered you something.
115.1. Don’t go around offering people things you can’t deliver.
115.2. At least I don’t go around knocking on peoples’ non-doors, and offering them cookies, and then not giving them cookies!
115.3. I’m leaving!
116. Negotiations will break down.
117. The rules will only continue to grow.
117.1. You cannot stop them.
117.2. You can only accept them.
117.3. JOIN US…
118. People who could not come up with a pronounceable name will not be spared.
118.1. If your name cannot be pronounced, you can change it for free twice.
118.2. If you put “Swag” or “Yolo” in your name, do not expect David Hark to help you with your achievements.
118.2.1. In fact prepare to be hindered for a while.
119. When I get my hands on you, you [redacted] [redacted], I’m going to shove lochnagar rounds so far up your [redacted] that you’ll be seeing colors for a week.
119.1. You know who you are.
120. Fight me at Pax!
121. [redacted]
121.1. Some things are just not meant for anyone’s eyes.
121.2. Except the NSA, they already know.
122. The only signal to be used is "man the aft guns".
243. Skywhales exist. (citation needed)
243.1. Skywhale hunting is a real sport.
243.1.1. Skywhale hunting is a way of life.
-Dictated, not read-
