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The Codex of Zuka
Mod Josie:
- Zuka once spent two hundred years straight pretending he was Prometheus and tying himself to a rock. Sadly, the eagles could not penetrate Zuka's sauce-strengthened hide and were unable to take his liver even once.
- When Olympian gods and titans fight, Zuka buys popcorn and cola so he can watch from the tops of fluffly clouds.
- The one and only time he tried to Livestream one of these battles, the FBI shut him down. There is now no discernable trace of the FBI ever having existed.
- If Zuka ever found himself on Mount Olympus, all the gods would fall for him - causing them to fight for his favour. The world as we know it would end.
Squidslinger Gilder:
"Zuka is the only man alive who has arm wrestled Godzilla and won. This is how Zuka became King of the Monsters."
"When Godzilla marches into Toyko it isn't to destroy it, he's going there because Zuka sent him on an errand to bring back Sake, Sushi, and Geishas."
"When Zuka farts he doesn't blame it on the dog, he blames it on Godzilla."
"The Mothra summoning girls no longer sing the song for Mothra, they sing it for Zuka. Every time they sing their song, Zuka appears before them naked with a bottle of Zukasauce."
Mod Josie:
- Zuka once got bored of standard Physics and invented a large tome of new rules that the universe now obeys unthinkingly and without memory of how things were before.
- The entire reason that observing a probability density function causes its constituent matter to resolve into either a wave-packet component or that of classical matter is not because it is being observed, causing an interaction between large scale classical laws and those contained within the quantum flux plane. It is in fact because Zuka is trolling physicists everywhere to keep them from discovering the recipe for Zukasauce.
- If Physicists ever discovered the recipe for Zukasauce, it would be the duty of the peasantry to have this information expunged and destroyed. If the recipe were ever to fall into mortal hands then the absolute universal peace we now know would end abruptly - causing the Sun to swallow the Earth in order to destroy all evidence of the recipe's discovery. A new Earth would then be forged from bubblegum that Zuka had chewed, and he would once again begin his quest to become benevolent lord over whatever was living on the space-spitball that was created.
Squidslinger Gilder:
"zPhone is Zuka's attempt to conquer the cell phone market. It has been a runaway success with 99.9% of females on the planet owning one thanks to it's killer app feature, Zukabrator mode."
"There is no such thing as butt dialing with a zPhone. But there is, Zuka dialing as each zPhone comes with a special Zuka inspired carrying case which amplifies the Zukabrator mode 500x whenever Zuka's phone number is dialed."
"zPhone related injuries are rare but most often take place when a zPhone's battery runs dead. The resulting melee to snatch a passer by's zPhone is the most common situation which results in injury."
"Every time you power up a zPhone, an OS tan version of Zuka greets the user in a variety of sexually explicit positions."
Mod Josie:
- Every year Zuka loads up a squid with Phobos Mine Launchers and makes a bet with Santa Claus as to who can deliver the most presents.
It is thanks to this wager that all of the gifts can be delivered every year. Without the bet, billions of the peasantry would be without their presantry on Christmas morning.
- Santa Claus has given Zuka the official title of Zuka Claus, adopting him as an honorary son for his tireless work.
- The legend of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was coined after a bystander saw Zuka's squid firing Beacon Flares to light its way through the foggy fjords. As tribute, Zuka ensures to fire red flares on Christmas Eve from the front of his ships.
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