Outlandish animal questions

[HamsterIV]

My wife works in a pet store and sometimes has to field stupid questions about animals. However most of the time she is board out of her mind especially when I come by to pick her up from work. To make things interesting I come up with outlandish pet care questions to elicit a laugh from her and her coworkers. Lately my mind has been unable to come up with anything really good so I would like to outsource coming up with outlandish animal questions out to you guys. So far the questions I have asked include:

* If I hypothetically ran a dinosaur theme park that brought back to life real dinosaurs with advanced cloning techniques, what medication should I use to ensure mosquitoes and ticks stay off the main attractions? I suspect competitors might use this method to extract viable DNA from the specimens.

* I have this walrus who seems to be molting, what types of rocks should I put in his enclosure to ensure he has the most comfortable molting experience?

* If I were to generically engineer a whale to be capable of flight, what sunscreen should I use to keep the Sky Whale's skin protected from the harsh UV radiation in the upper atmosphere?

* Suppose I were to keep a herd of woolly mammoths with the intention of shaving them periodically for their fiber, what shampoo should I use to ensure their hair remains pliable and knot free?

* I have this salt water crocodile that lies around all day. I try and give him toys to enrich his environment but his 3000 lb bite force destroys these them fairly quickly. Are any of your chew toys rated for Crocodile?

[redria]

My Unicorn has a bad habit of digging holes in the yard with his horn. It leaves his horn caked in dirt that falls off everywhere when he comes inside. Can you suggest a polish that might repel the dirt and prevent it from building up while he digs?

[Squidslinger Gilder]

*My pet octopus has recently hit a growth spurt and has been watching school girl anime all day and has gotten quite violent when I go to change the channel. Do you sell any anime hug pillows that are safe to use underwater?

[Cheesy Crackers]

My Unicorn has a bad habit of digging holes in the yard with his horn. It leaves his horn caked in dirt that falls off everywhere when he comes inside. Can you suggest a polish that might repel the dirt and prevent it from building up while he digs?

Use Unicorn tears to create a clone of Morgan Freeman, then get that Morgan Freeman clone to narrate the dirt falling off before the Unicorn comes inside.


Source (Of cloning Morgan Freeman): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch5MEJk5ZCQ#t=77

[RedRoach]

I have a pet shark who seems to be aerodynamic. On two separate occasions, it's offspring has been launched into the air by storms and hurricanes, and have been found near houses and cities across the coast, usually with cut marks looking like chainsaws. However, I want my shark to exercise instead of being held in a cage underground. What should I do to keep it active yet not fly away on the next storm?

[HamsterIV]

Last night was the first time in a while that I had an opportunity to ask a stupid animal question of the board staff. I elected to go with Redria's question about the Unicorn. It went over quite well with many smiles and stifled snickers. After some deliberation they decided that we should use automotive wax to ensure the unicorn's horn is slick enough that the dirt does not adhere to it. They recommend the brand Turtle Wax as it is less likely to interfere with the Unicorn's innate magical abilities.

[Keon]

Hmm, plenty of Pokemon jokes you could make if you needed to. "Hi, my dog has been reluctant to go to the vet. Do you sell any pokeballs I could use to transport her?" or something.

Aside from that, hypotheticals about Clifford the Big Red Dog are always good to bring up.

[HamsterIV]

I asked Red Roach's Shark question. I was told to expand my underground doom fortress and create a harness that went through the shark's dorsal fin. Also a diet of would be heros is too low in fat for a great white shark and I am encouraged to add some seal or whale meat to his diet.

[RedRoach]

Can I, in fact, train my pet animal to be a secret agent? And if so, what utilities can I use to call it back?

Question coming from every kid-friendly tv show/movie including animals ever

[Canon Whitecandle]

I bought my hamster when he was just a baby, and I made the decision not to neuter him. Do you carry rodent Kleenex?

[HamsterIV]

Guilder and Canon, you did read the part about me saying these things out loud in front of my wife and her coworkers right?

[Canon Whitecandle]

Guilder and Canon, you did read the part about me saying these things out loud in front of my wife and her coworkers right?

I have no filter ever.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

Guilder and Canon, you did read the part about me saying these things out loud in front of my wife and her coworkers right?

My pet Zuka is imitating the horny mating call of the Tasmanian Pygmy Possum, should I change up his food to a more sauce based diet or get a Possum Zuka Doll to go in his cage?

[macmacnick]

My pet bureaucrat is getting a bit too efficient and timely as of late. Would you, by any chance have a product that retards efficiency, or at least slows him down?

[redria]

Whenever I seal an envelope with a check for my bills, my pet owl steals the letter and flies out the window. None of my payments are showing up late or unpaid, so I know my owl is delivering them, but I have concerns about the security of this method of mailing. Do you have any small anklet trackers I could use to make sure my owl is only taking my payments to their posted recipient?