Main > World

Age of Air

<< < (2/2)

Hilary Briss:
Great work by all those involved. SREP are a clan that are trying and striving to do good things within the community.

It must have been one fine battle, coffers stuffed to the gunnels. Based on the fact you mention cracking open a bottle of the "Special 1896 reserve"

May the winds always blow you homeward.

HamsterIV:
The Good:
Expanding on a section of the lore.
The narrative allows for tension to build and release at several points in the story.

The not so Good:
Formatting made me think it was a poem.
The dialog seemed too long winded for people under fire.

Suggestion:
Describe the action instead of having the characters announce it:

--- Quote ---The main deck engineer hollers to his captain,
“Sir the armor is gone! The hull is breaking apart! I’m trying to repair it!”
--- End quote ---
could be

--- Quote ---With a shearing sound a critical armor plate tore free.
"Oh God the hull!" the main engineer yelled as he scrambles towards the exposed Hull component.

--- End quote ---
This is a matter of writing style and preferences. Your story is fine as is.

Arturo Sanchez:
central alignment on prose... ew.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page