Our beloved and benevolent Phoenix has journeyed forth. Here is a private journal he kept of his exploits.
The Journal of Captain Phoenix
Penned by my hand in the Year of our Lord
2015
Initiated on the day of my journey
A New Beginning…
June 26: Today I have left behind the warm hearth and loving bosom of my mother. I venture forth to seek my fortunes in the cruel land of my forefathers. I have procured a simple dwelling and I travel to my destination to begin my new adventures.
June 27: I have arrived in my new residence. My meager belongings take up little space, but already it begins to feel like home. I have sought and found another gentleman to assist in the paying of monthly expenditures. He appears to be a seedy sort, and of questionable character. I shall be obliged to lock my chambers to ensure my safety on those dark and lonely nights to come.
June 28: I have yet to become reconnected to the outside world and must relay my thoughts via correspondence and telephone. Oh, how I miss the sweet luxuries of life I once took for granted. I have grown quite famished over the last few days yet the cupboards remain bare. I was certain that dear old’ Mum would have traversed the wilds of Merry Ol’ England by now and brought supplies for the coming days ahead.
June 29: I spoke with mother today. She informed me that it is now my responsibility as an independent fellow to purchase my own foodstuffs. I was a bit put off by this news as one can imagine. I can only assume that this sort of self sufficiency extends to my wardrobe as well. Most of my fashionable garb still lies in a heap against the stained and peeling wallpaper of my private quarters.
June 30: I have spent some of my hard earned coin in the procurement of rations. I was once again surprised to find that I must prepare this myself. After much trial and error I sat down with a tasty bowl of noodles and some tea. I must say that living on one’s own can be quite trying at times, but I shall muddle through.
July 1: I awoke this morning to find my biscuits missing. I know it is that ne’er do well rapscallion of a roommate who is the malefactor of this injustice. He feigned ignorance of course, and proclaimed my suspensions poppycock. He sought to suggest mice as the culprit, but I could swear I saw crumbs in his greasy, unshaven stubble. I shall become ever more vigilante with regards to his potential treachery.
July 2: Oh Joy of Joys. Today I made a new acquaintance that I know will blossom into a fine relationship. A stray tabby happened by and stopped for a visit. It was a fine specimen and we became fast friends. I have already thought of purchasing him some foodstuffs to ensure his return, but alas, I do not wish to appear to forward this early in our blossoming conjunction.
July 3: As I sit gazing out my grimy window I begin to reminisce about the things I left behind. How much longer must I toil in obscurity until that blasted cable man shows up turn on my internet connection? The days and nights seem to linger endlessly where there is naught to do but watch the small black and white telly. As this is our only form of entertainment I must endure it along side that biscuit swilling lazabout with whom I share my domicile.
July 4: It has only been a few days but I feel the burdens heaping themselves one atop the other. Each day I am worked like the slaves of yore, only to come home and have to feed myself and clean my crockery and clothing. I realize that this is just the beginning of my journey and mayhap in time I will become more accustomed to this life of drudgery.
July 5: Woe is me. My meager income has led to my misfortune. A local shop keep gave me a sound thrashing today when he found me attempting to pocket a stale croissant. Being of frail constitution, my only recourse was to flee into the crowded street and disappear in the confusing aftermath. How much longer shall I be burdened to suffer such indignities?
July 6: Another bleak day in my wretched existence, but with a small speck of hope. The old tabby has continued to return, I have named him Sir Reginald Fluffington. He is the only bright light in an otherwise bleak reality. My thoughts sometimes wander to that wicked, yet sweet escape from worldly sorrows, Wine. I shan’t give in so easily, not just yet. Stiff upper lip Ol’ Bean. Carry on for Queen and Country.
July 7: The daily torments continually pound against me as the seas to the ever eroding rocks on the shores. I feel like the mighty Atlas, bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders. As I pen this my hand slowly reaches out for the sweet nectar of the gods, the fermented grapes of liberation and release. May God have mercy on my soul.
July 10: I have recovered from my unforgivable lapse of character. I awoke with feelings of shame and self loathing that quickly turned to righteous rage. That scandalous flat mate has betrayed my confidence yet again. He must have crept in during my unforgivable blunder of self restraint. He has absconded with all my stockings, even the soiled ones, also my darning needle and threads. Oh, curse his eyes and a pox on his head! I shall set upon a path of revenge at once. He will rue the day he crossed wits with the likes of me. To heap misery atop misfortune Sir Reginald has failed to return for our daily visit. I hope during my drunken escapades I did not offend his sensibilities.
July 11: A good day indeed. A well- to-do gentleman left me a handful of farthings as a tip for services rendered. I should like to place them in a jar atop the mantle as a tender reminder of the generosity of strangers, but alas, I have grown ever more suspicious of my roommate’s intentions. I shall bury them near the old willow in the courtyard.
July 12: Another splendid day. Sir Reginald has returned in all his glory to brighten my evening. As he lit upon the banister I recalled the joy of his initial visit. I shall endeavor to retain my courteous qualities and seek to suppress my dark desires for the grape. I am formulating a strategy of reprisal against my bunkmate. Perhaps after I best him at his own game I shall forgive him his trespasses and we shall become more amicable.
July 13: Sir Reginald and I have hatched a clever scheme for my long awaited vengeance. As that snoring buffoon slumbered loudly in the common area I gently placed Sir Reginald in a quilted sack. I crept upon my quarry and ever so gently placed the bag over his misshapen head. As I cinched the drawstring tight, I repeatedly struck the bag with my carpet beater. As one can imagine this set Sir Reginald into quite a frenzy as he sought a route of escape. I took care not to strike my feline companion, but to focus my anger about the head and shoulders of my nemesis.
July 14: My anger sated I began to feel more of a man about town. That was until the evening when I chanced upon that sordid excuse of a roommate. He was quite scarred from his encounter and had been patched up at the local physician. He promised retribution upon my person when his recovery was complete. I slowly slunk away as he began to recite a list of vile and unspeakable punishments he would unleash upon my lanky frame. As for Sir Reginald he was none worse for the wear, and in his own way I know he was content to help a friend in need.
July 15: I have decided to strike once more before my foe has time to recover from his sound trouncing. I have enlisted the aid of a local constable. This clever maneuver will ensure that I am left to my own devices with no worries about my adversary. Upon learning of this he became quite compliant, as he had been incarcerated on several occasions. Having no desire to return to the stockades he ceded defeat.
July 16: I have decided to begin a daily regiment to increase my constitution. After my recent victory, I have seen a need to augment my physical prowess should another scuffle arise. Giddy with anticipation at the days to come I allowed myself to imbibe a bit of that luscious fermented temptress I so love.
July 21: Curse my blasted hide! I have made myself to look a fool once again. Why must I be constantly seduced by that distilled enchantress? I awoke bereft of clothing, in naught but my top hat, in the middle of the public square. My senses befuddled, my honor besmirched, I sought only to withdraw. The flatfoots hounded me incessantly as I wove my way through the narrow side streets in an effort to rid myself of my pursuers. Having safely returned home I swore never will another drop of that infernal ambrosia breach my lips.
July 22: Having righted my errant behavior I have come to a audacious decision. I have decided to take a lover. Yes, it may seem a bit scandalous as I am unwed, but I care naught. I unearthed my jar from beneath the old willow and took out an ad in the local publication announcing my intentions. Now I await the fawning adorations of the fortuitous creature that will receive my lascivious assiduity.
July 23: I have grown more accustomed to living on my own. No longer do I skulk in the shadows hoping to pilfer a morsel of food. I have even managed to save up a small sum for future needs. I have purchased some yarn and knitting needles so that I may expand my wardrobe. I shall endeavor to save for a modest sewing machine. A gentleman must constantly strive to improve his station.
July 24: Still no responses to my advertisement. I was quite cocksure that upon its distribution my desires for a companion would have created quite a stirring. No matter. Perhaps it is a case of meekness, or even more likely, some feel disenchanted of their chances since there are surely vast multitudes that seek my affections. Until then Sir Reginald and I shall sashay about town in all our glory and enjoy the evening.
July 25: My loins ache for the gentle caress of a hand other than my own. Mayhap I shall visit the local courtesan to ease my ever-growing lust. I berated the publisher of the local periodical for my failed communiqué. His boast regarding his widespread circulation was surely a falsehood. As he chased my from his shop, broom waving wildly about, I chanced upon a pebble in the street. My aim was true, and his head the unwilling recipient of my displeasures. I chortled gaily as I hastened down the alleyway.
July 26: My earthly lust sated, I am content for the time being. I have chanced upon good fortune with a clever design. I shall enamor myself with the Master of the inn for whom I toil. Only those above us can reach down. To drag the chosen from the depths of ambiguity into the prominence for which they were bred. Curses, why am I plagued with this incessant itching!
July 27: Despair begets tribulations. I am bedeviled by this infernal and unending irritation in my nether regions. Upon closer inspection, I have found what seems to be a colony of industrious, yet miniscule insects that have set up market in the manly mane that surrounds my John Thomas. Also of note is the conflagration that ensues when I seek to relieve myself.
July 28: I have procured a dainty antiseptic to cleanse this blighted and unruly thicket betwixt my loins. The healer assured me that it would do no harm to Lord Thomas and his two trusty cohorts. As for that damnable scalding sensation, I was informed that it requires costly medicines which I can ill afford, yet must obtain. Alas, I was advised of an apparatus to sheath myself from further contagion should I seek the loving embrace of another. Will the wonders of science never cease?
July 29: I have worked tirelessly these past days, even with the impurities that plague my anatomy. I believe the master has taken note of my increased endeavors. One day I may be rewarded for my vigilance. As for the medicines I require, I have been forced to pilfer boxes of pillow mints from the lodge to sell to local hostels to aid in its procurement. Although it vexes me greatly, I must perform this heinous act. I shall exert all my efforts to make restitution for this misdeed.
July 30: I have come by enough coin to achieve the cost of my medicinal herbs. I had enough left to acquire a humble sewing kit and some cloth. I shall seek to present an air of sophistication with the construction of a fine cosmopolitan garment. The days ahead seem to brighten as I set upon my path to independence and self-sufficiency.
July 31: Sir Reginald and I shall cast a fine shadow about town as we saunter through the narrowly winding streets. I have left behind the inclination for the grape, and have purchased a sheath for my manly exploits, should the situation arise. As I begin the tailoring of my ostentatious raiment, I am assured that I will rise to any future challenge with courage and fortitude befitting my high opinion of myself.
