The Codex of Zuka

[HamsterIV]

Zuka's tactical genius is on par with Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed.
Zuka knows how to put a Galleon into the secret corners of the Desert Scrap.
You are most likely flying into a Zuka ambush right now.
Imagine the least likely location you would expect to get ambushed, that is where Zuka is waiting for you.
Now that you have imagined it, Zuka is waiting somewhere else.
You are 50% more likely to be ambushed by Zuka when you are not wearing pants.
You are 100% more likely to not be wearing pants after you have been ambushed by Zuka.

[zlater75@hotmail.com]

Zuka once licked the most poisonous frog in the world. After two months of the most excrutiating pain you can imagine the frog died.
Zukas apartment is the only place in the universe where there is a lightswitch for the sun if it disturbs him and causes glare on his screen.
The legend of Samson. His secret weapon was his hair that gave him strength. When a woman cut it he lost it. The legend of Zuka. His strength is infinite and if you cut his hair it will grow back double the length, already conditioned and with a blinding shine. Also his strength will tenfold every time he hears the word haircut.
Unknown to peasants if Zuka were to stop laughing, heaven forbid, the carbondioxide level of the world would drop 5%.
Zukas spit is more lubricating than teflon oil and also works as an aphrodisiac to whom he chooses.

[Mod Josie]

- There is a button hidden under Zuka's left kidney. If one presses this button on purpose, within a week's time the individual will buy a hat. It won't suit them.

- If you have found Zuka's left kidney, please return it to him safely in a sealed container; he misses is desperately.

- There is no earthly disease that can penetrate Zuka's ubiquitously powerful immune system; the only exception being Boogie Fever for obvious reasons.

- If you stare long and hard enough into the sky at night, you will see patterns in the stars. If you stare long and hard enough into Zuka's eyes, you will lose all recollection of the previous nine days. Your memory will be replaced with an image of Zuka's nose burned into your brain. The image does not fade for four days and nights.

[macmacnick]

Zuka's Squid can destroy whole worlds with a single tap.
The song, 'Ode to Joy' was remorseful ripped off from the original 'Ode to Zuka'.
Christmas, long thought to be a catholic holiday, was actually created originally for the Filthy Peasants to celebrate another consecutive year of not exploding due to sheer proximity to Zuka. The Catholic church perverted this holiday into the christmas which is commonly known now.

[zlater75@hotmail.com]

Before Mr T starred in A-Team he got a cease and desist order from Mr Z due to going to use the word peasant, so he had to come up with another one, which was fool.
Zuka went exploring the galaxy for peasant planets but came back after having destroyed 7 as he had forgot the teakettle on.
A single string of Zukas hair went thru wolverines arm and that spot in his adamantium skeleton is still his secret weak spot.
Ladies that have any kind of dream involving zuka, sauce or related never are the same and feel incomplete before they have heard zuka talk once.
Zukas laughter is the cure for all sickness in the milky way which pharmacists fear because then they would be obsolete.

[Mod Josie]

- Zuka once spent two hundred years straight pretending he was Prometheus and tying himself to a rock. Sadly, the eagles could not penetrate Zuka's sauce-strengthened hide and were unable to take his liver even once.
- When Olympian gods and titans fight, Zuka buys popcorn and cola so he can watch from the tops of fluffly clouds.
- The one and only time he tried to Livestream one of these battles, the FBI shut him down. There is now no discernable trace of the FBI ever having existed.
- If Zuka ever found himself on Mount Olympus, all the gods would fall for him - causing them to fight for his favour. The world as we know it would end.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"Zuka is the only man alive who has arm wrestled Godzilla and won. This is how Zuka became King of the Monsters."
"When Godzilla marches into Toyko it isn't to destroy it, he's going there because Zuka sent him on an errand to bring back Sake, Sushi, and Geishas."
"When Zuka farts he doesn't blame it on the dog, he blames it on Godzilla."
"The Mothra summoning girls no longer sing the song for Mothra, they sing it for Zuka. Every time they sing their song, Zuka appears before them naked with a bottle of Zukasauce."

[Mod Josie]

- Zuka once got bored of standard Physics and invented a large tome of new rules that the universe now obeys unthinkingly and without memory of how things were before.

- The entire reason that observing a probability density function causes its constituent matter to resolve into either a wave-packet component or that of classical matter is not because it is being observed, causing an interaction between large scale classical laws and those contained within the quantum flux plane. It is in fact because Zuka is trolling physicists everywhere to keep them from discovering the recipe for Zukasauce.

- If Physicists ever discovered the recipe for Zukasauce, it would be the duty of the peasantry to have this information expunged and destroyed. If the recipe were ever to fall into mortal hands then the absolute universal peace we now know would end abruptly - causing the Sun to swallow the Earth in order to destroy all evidence of the recipe's discovery. A new Earth would then be forged from bubblegum that Zuka had chewed, and he would once again begin his quest to become benevolent lord over whatever was living on the space-spitball that was created.

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"zPhone is Zuka's attempt to conquer the cell phone market. It has been a runaway success with 99.9% of females on the planet owning one thanks to it's killer app feature, Zukabrator mode."
"There is no such thing as butt dialing with a zPhone. But there is, Zuka dialing as each zPhone comes with a special Zuka inspired carrying case which amplifies the Zukabrator mode 500x whenever Zuka's phone number is dialed."
"zPhone related injuries are rare but most often take place when a zPhone's battery runs dead. The resulting melee to snatch a passer by's zPhone is the most common situation which results in injury."
"Every time you power up a zPhone, an OS tan version of Zuka greets the user in a variety of sexually explicit positions."

[Mod Josie]

- Every year Zuka loads up a squid with Phobos Mine Launchers and makes a bet with Santa Claus as to who can deliver the most presents.
It is thanks to this wager that all of the gifts can be delivered every year. Without the bet, billions of the peasantry would be without their presantry on Christmas morning.

- Santa Claus has given Zuka the official title of Zuka Claus, adopting him as an honorary son for his tireless work.

- The legend of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was coined after a bystander saw Zuka's squid firing Beacon Flares to light its way through the foggy fjords. As tribute, Zuka ensures to fire red flares on Christmas Eve from the front of his ships.

[zlater75@hotmail.com]

FBI tried to do a profile of Zuka but when they got below the waist they ran out of paper and got a craving for sauce.

While there are still infidels who don't believe in the Almighty Zuka they are just one peasant slap away.

There was a Movie made about Zuka called The Man Of Sauce, but it never saw the light of day, because after ten years of filming the female director kidnapped the final movie and she is still a missing person.

Zuka once played WoW only to do a Zuuuuuuuukaaaa'esrai on some guy called Leroy Jenkins. Leroy is still famous from that.

[macmacnick]

Zuka Moonlights as a TSA Pat-down official, specializing in pat-downs of women. Unfortunately, they never seem to remember it, as the pat-down is very intense.
Those who Kill Zuka's Enemies, and bear the emblem of Zuka on their Ships are 150% More likely to get the Blessing of Zuka, causing them to Perform Zukthanization on the enemies.

[Mod Josie]

- If Zuka ever offers you Whiskey, it is a trap and you would be wise to refuse. However, refusal incurs the wrath of the Peasantry, so it is safer to accept.

- Upon receipt of your Whiskey, it is advisable to pour it down a drain or onto a potted plant. However, the Zuka is aware of these happenings and will only endeavour to pour you more.

- The first Whiskey is usually not poisoned.

- After consuming a Whiskey, you will begin to feel intensely light-headed.
  [Begin Internal Monologue]
*Of course, the first one you decide to drink had to be poisoned. Now look at you, you're a real nincompoop. Now what are you going to do? Accept the next one?*
 "Yes please."
 *Why did you go and do that? Now you're doomed to fall under his spell! Why aren't you listening to me?!*
 "I feel woozy."
 *I told you not to accept the Whiskey! This is it now - be prepared to forget the last nine days!*

[Squidslinger Gilder]

"When Zuka was a child he was lost while on safari. He emerged from the jungle a decade later with an tribe of pygmy amazon women. They were all named Tina and would kill for crumpets."
"Television networks quickly hounded young Zuka for his survival story. Zuka replied,"I will not divulge the secret location of my sauce factory to mere peasants!!"
"Step 1 of Zuka's conquest of all TV networks began when he told his pygmy army that news anchors are part of a global conspiracy to hoard all the crumpets."
"Step 2 began when they took over London."
"Step 3 began when the pygmies started harvesting humans to toil in Zuka's underground crumpet caves."
"Step 4...Zuka taught them how to say "Wrex" and "Shepard. Zuka's giggles ended the crumpet wars and brought temporary peace to the world."
"People are still searching for those lost in the crumpet caves. Zuka's only reply,"Rumors of a Crumpet monster lurking in the caves are just rumors with no proof. None of the crumpets that were exposed to green ooze ever gained sentience beyond that of a teenage turtle!"

[Mod Josie]

- Zuka was once imprisoned in the containment field of http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-173 as a publicity stunt to showcase his invulnerability. Three days (and a lot of funny noises) later, personnel checked on them. The room now contained a lot of half-eaten takeaway food, a TV, a bed and a lot of baby 173s. This caused major confusion. 173 has no recollection of the event and so now believes the children to be the product of interaction with http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-038

- It has been suggested that Zuka is in fact http://www.scp-wiki.net/proposals-for-scp-001. There is no verifiable documented data on this entity. It is proposed that he was discovered and supposedly contained due to his incredible powers and overwhelming potency of sauce. It is also suggested that he escaped using means known only to Zuka. He now roams free performing deeds of grandeur and greatness with his followers and the Peasantry to laud his glorious name.